Memoranda From the Edge: Conversion Aftermath
by Dr. Dredd
Summary: Communications among the crew as John recovers. Reworking of some chapters from the original Memoranda.
1. Chapter 1

**Title**: Memoranda From the Edge: Conversion Aftermath

**Author**: Dr. Dredd

**Spoilers**: Conversion

**Season**: 2

**Disclaimer**: Stargate Atlantis, characters, concept, etc, aren't mine.

**Summary**: Communications among the crew as John recovers. Reworking of some chapters from the original Memoranda

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**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carol Biro

**FROM**: Dr. Steven Schwartz

**RE**: Medical Briefing

"The only thing I have to take into account is how off you are?" Who was that moron, anyway? Is he new?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. Stephen Caldwell

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Computer games

Interesting that you also play Solitaire. I had you pegged as a Minesweeper kind of guy, myself.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Col. Stephen Caldwell

**RE**: Computer games

And why is that, Dr. Weir?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. Stephen Caldwell

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Computer games

Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's the way you keep bulling your way into situations without much background information. Like you've played a lot of Minesweeper and don't particularly care if a few go off.


	2. Chapter 2

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Sorry

I'm sorry that I wasn't able to be more help during your infection. Guess I let you down again, huh?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Sorry

Nothing to be sorry about, Rodney! Your eloquent observations on the usefulness of medicine aside, you're not a doctor! What did you think you should have done?

By the way, I'm getting seriously bored in here. Carson won't even let me get caught up on my mission reports. He's worried about stress causing a relapse. Doesn't he realize that this is causing me even more stress?

I don't suppose you'd be willing to help me bust out of here, would you?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Sorry

Sorry again. But if I help you escape from the infirmary, I'm setting myself up for some serious Scottish revenge, and I don't think that would be good for my health. I might be able to help you smuggle something into the infirmary, though.

Now, as to what I should have been able to do. At the very least, I should have been able to figure out a better way of grabbing those bug eggs.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Infirmary contraband

Well, the surfboard's probably out. How about the guitar, though? And some of Zelenka's rotgut.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Infirmary contraband

You're kidding, right? You don't think Carson'll notice me sneaking in with a large stringed object? And your ass is grass if he catches you with alcohol. (Mine, too, come to think of it.)


	3. Chapter 3

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Stephen Schwartz

**FROM**: Dr. Carol Biro

**RE**: Medical Briefing

I'm not sure who the guy is, but he's a real putz. Rumor has it that he's good friends with Dr. Kavanaugh.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Kavanaugh

**FROM**: Dr. David Edmonds

**RE**: Bad performance

Hey, Kav, I totally see what you meant when you said that your coworkers were idiots. That medical briefing was just pathetic! That chick Biro acts like she never took a genetics class in her life. And that guy sitting on her other side, he was just taking up space! It's a wonder the entire expedition isn't dead by now.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Col. Stephen Caldwell

**RE**: Computer games

You certainly say what's on your mind, don't you? For a diplomat, you're not being very diplomatic.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. Stephen Caldwell

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Computer games

To quote Will Rogers, Colonel, "Diplomacy is the art of saying 'nice doggy' until you can find a rock."


	4. Chapter 4

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Ronon Dex

**RE**: Athletic performance

The only reason that you outran me is that you were infected with Beckett's retrovirus. That's hardly fair. I desire a rematch.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Ronon Dex

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Athletic performance

Hello, what part of 'confined to the infirmary' didn't you understand? Sergeant Bates would probably shoot me if I tried to leave. I know he's been gunning for my job. Besides, I think you're just being a sore loser.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Major Lorne

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Bugworld

I haven't had the chance yet to thank you for saving my butt (and keeping it human). Going into that cave was one of the craziest, hair-brained stunts I've ever heard of, but it worked.

Do something like that again, though, and your butt will be the one getting kicked! My life isn't worth any more than anyone else's. But again, thanks.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Major Lorne

**RE**: Bugworld

You're welcome, sir. I'd do it again in a minute, even if you court-martialed me. You were the one that taught me that we never leave a man behind.


	5. Chapter 5

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Parole

Hey, doc, what are my chances of getting out of here anytime soon? You've been a gracious host, but I have no privacy. I feel like a bug on a microscope slide.

Err...no pun intended.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Parole

Sorry, lad. Your chances are about as good as my getting fresh haggis around here. I don't want you running about until your DNA is grade A, 100 John Sheppard. And I've already let you use the isolation room for privacy; I'm not sure what else I can do. (Other than perhaps stationing Ronon at your door to discourage prying eyes.)

Please bear with me a little longer.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: "Escape" attempt: nice try

I had a feeling you were going to try something like this, Colonel. Having Ronon at the infirmary door serves my purpose as well as yours. By the way, I'm really starting to get offended at the way everyone spends most of their time in here trying to get away from me. But I guess it means you're feeling better.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Ronon Dex

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Escape attempt

Traitor.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Col. Stephen Caldwell

**RE**: Diplomacy

You're not the only one who can quote Will Rogers, doctor. "Diplomats are just as essential to starting a war as soldiers are for finishing it. You take diplomacy out of war, and the thing would fall flat in a week."


	6. Chapter 6

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Escape

Come on, you'd be surprised if I didn't try it. You know, if you would just let me keep busy, you wouldn't have this problem. I'm really bored and have already counted the ceiling tiles.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Boredom

You might try actually reading that book you brought with you. Or is it just for show? (Personally, I couldn't stand the thing. I had to read it while I was at university, and the bloody thing put me to sleep every time.)

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Apology

It's still pretty hazy, but I think I remember trying to strangle you. I'm really really sorry about that. Shades of Ford, huh?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Apology

Already forgiven, John. Not Ford's fault, and not yours either. In your case, it's a credit to you that you managed to hold it together for as long as you did.

You'll be happy to know that Caldwell was unsuccessful in his attempts to usurp your position. He tried, but despite numerous memos of his own, he failed. So your job is safe. Just behave yourself, stop tormenting Carson, and concentrate on getting better.

So how's that for bedside manner?


	7. Chapter 7

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Second attempt

Again, Colonel? Maybe I need to run some neuropsychological tests, because you're becoming uncharacteristically sloppy. Did you really think Ronon was the only one I enlisted to keep an eye on you? And your methods nearly got you killed.

If you're really that bored, I'm sure we can find a job for you changing bedpans.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Second attempt

OK, I admit that telling Stackhouse I was "bugging out" was probably not the most prudent thing to do. But I didn't do anything threatening, so he didn't have to try to shoot me. I wonder if Bates put him up to it.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Teyla Emmagan

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Kiss and other issues

Hi, Teyla. I wanted to apologize for kissing you in the gym. Well, not exactly the kiss per se, but the way in which in happened. What I mean to say is that I'm sorry for the public display of affection. Not that I don't see you as a friend... oh, hell. I acted kind of crazy back there and I apologize for it.

This memo is probably not selling you on my returning sanity.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Teyla Emmagan

**RE**: Reply to 'Kiss and other issues'

Hello, John. Apology accepted. I understand. What is a public display of affection? I see you as a friend, too. Yes, you did act crazy back there, and you are not making much more sense now.

Have I mentioned lately that I find your people rather strange?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Ronon Dex

**RE**: Escape attempt

It was a matter of warrior's honor, Sheppard. Dr. Beckett pulled the transmitter out of my back, so I was in his debt. And it provided some balance for your cheating during our run.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Ronon Dex

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Honor, glory, etc.

You're getting me back for beating you during our run? That's mature. And please, "warrior's honor"? You sound like a Klingon.


	8. Chapter 8

**MEMO**

**TO**: Atlantis Expedition Members

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Infirmary rules and regulations

-

Ladies and gentlemen, although I would prefer to treat you all as adults, the recent behavior of a few of your colleagues has forced me to develop a list of ground rules for the infirmary:

1.) Please report all important symptoms and injuries to the medical staff when returning from off-world missions. Saying "I'm fine" with blood running down your arm is not very convincing.

2.) By important symptoms, I do not mean dry, flaky skin or itchy feet.

3.) Please refrain from referring to the infirmary as a prison.

4.) While personal items may be used by patients, it is important that other patients in the infirmary not be disturbed by this. As an example, singing and playing prison spirituals on one's guitar is not helpful for people trying to rest. (See also Rule #3 above.)

5.) Alcoholism is an important cause of vitamin B12 deficiency. Anyone caught smuggling alcohol to patients will receive a vitamin B12 shot right in the arse. So will the intended recipient.

6.) There is no Rule #6.

Above all, please use common sense. I don't think it's too much to ask.

- The CMO


	9. Chapter 9

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Infirmary contraband

Boy, what a spoilsport. No surfboard, no more guitar, and no alcohol. Also, no bolt cutters, no night vision goggles, and no flash grenades. What are you going to bring me, then? How about my laptop?

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Infirmary contraband

What are you complaining about? It's my ass that's sore now. I knew that trying to get you Zelenka's cheap liquor was a bad idea.

And are you sure you want me to try sneaking in your laptop? That crazy Scot still hasn't returned the last one he confiscated from you while you were in his clutches. If I remember correctly, that one had your only copy of "The Sims: Living Large" on it. Now I sometimes hear suspicious noises coming from Carson's office when he's supposed to be working.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Infirmary contraband

Uh, hello? I can't sit down that easily, either!

Never mind. I've decided I'm breaking out of here with or without your help. Beckett's busted me twice, and now it's a matter of principle. I'll pick up both laptops myself once the job's done.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Infirmary breakout

May I say that's a terrible idea? I'm not sure how to put this delicately, so I won't even try. Even though you're recovering, you still look partly like a giant bug. It's somewhat conspicuous.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Ronon Dex

**RE**: Honor and glory

What exactly is a Klingon?


	10. Chapter 10

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Third time not the charm

What is this, "The Great Escape?" Steve McQueen you're not, son.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Rodney McKay

**RE**: Pathetic escape attempts

Obviously I've overestimated your abilities in this area. You've now tried three times, and have never made it past the corridor outside the infirmary. Although my sore butt makes me hesitant to get further involved, it's clear that you need someone as smart as myself to help you with the planning and execution of your escape.

P.S. (And I'll refer to the infirmary however I damn well please!)

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**RE**: Scot abuse

Didn't I tell you in an earlier memo to stop tormenting Carson? You're driving the poor man nuts with your attempts to leave the infirmary. Dr. Heightmeyer will not be amused.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Dr. Elizabeth Weir

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Scot abuse

Well it's partly his damn fault that I'm in here in the first place!

Sorry. That was a little harsh. But I really am feeling fine, and I'm reverting to normal. If I'm driving Carson crazy, he should just kick me out.

-

-

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Ronon Dex

**FROM**: Col. John Sheppard

**RE**: Klingons

Klingons are large, testosterone-enhanced warriors with a well-developed honor code and questionable eating habits.


	11. Chapter 11

**PRIVATE MEMO**

**TO**: Col. John Sheppard

**FROM**: Dr. Carson Beckett

**RE**: Infirmary Discharge Summary

-

-

**DISCHARGE DIAGNOSES (ICD-9-CM):**

Retrovirus, unspecified (079.50)

Unspecified transient organic mental disorder (293.9)

Metabolic encephalopathy (348.31)

Dermatitis due to other specified substances taken internally (693.8)

Contact with or exposure to unspecified communicable disease (V01.9)

Unspecified viral vaccine, adverse effects (E949.6)

-

**INFIRMARY LENGTH OF STAY**: 24 days

-

**DISCHARGE HOSPITAL COURSE**: The patient is a human male in his mid-thirties with a past medical history significant for Iratus-bug bite, medically-induced cardiac arrest, and multiple exposures to ionizing radiation, who presents with multi-system organ failure following exposure to an experimental retrovirus. The patient was exposed during an altercation with a young female Wraith who had self-administered the agent. Initial symptoms of the viral infection included rapid wound healing, increased speed and strength, sexual disinhibition, and a carbuncle-like skin eruption. Analyses of blood specimens revealed an exponential increase in viral particles over the first few hours; this was accompanied by a rapidly progressive rash and altered mental status. Therapy with generic viral inhibitors was initiated, and appeared to temporarily slow the cognitive decline. However, as the patient's condition continued to deteriorate, the decision was made to use another experimental therapy (Iratus-bug larval stem cells) to eradicate the original infection and reverse the subsequent morphological changes. The first attempt to obtain the stem cells was unsuccessful, and in the interim the patient became paranoid and aggressive. He was sedated to the point of coma until it was noted that he was expressing bug pheromones in his sweat. As a last resort, the patient was allowed to wake and undertake a second mission to collect Iratus-bug eggs. This time, the egg collection was successful and an appropriate genetic therapy was created. Although the clinical response to treatment was slow at first, the physical and mental changes reversed themselves over a period of several weeks.

The remainder of the patient's stay was largely unremarkable, with the notable exception of his newly-enhanced ability to annoy the hell out of the Chief Medical Officer. After the first week, the patient felt well enough to get out of bed and ambulate around the infirmary. He then displayed a remarkable talent for getting in the way of staff attempting to perform routine tasks. Subsequent days were filled with whining, complaining, and requests to "get out of this prison."

On multiple occasions the patient (bloody idiot!) did in fact attempt to leave the infirmary against the orders of the Chief Medical Officer. He enlisted the aid of several others, including the Chief Scientist and two of the engineering staff (Rodney, Radek, and Eldon, who have all been suitably chastised). When these attempts were unsuccessful, the patient resorted to sitting on his bed, playing a guitar that had been smuggled in to him, and singing prison songs. The quality of the vocals will be left to another communication, but suffice to say that the rendition of Folsom Prison Blues did not go well.

After 14 days a program of infirmary furloughs was initiated, to preserve the sanity of both the patient and the CMO.

-

**DISCHARGE MEDICATIONS**: None

-

**DISCHARGE TO**: Anywhere but here.

-

**DISCHARGE CONDITION**: In one piece... for now.

-

**DISCHARGE DIET**: Would you please eat something? Anything! You're a bloody scarecrow!

-

**DISCHARGE INSTRUCTIONS**:

1.) Avoid strenuous activity like sparring with Teyla. (Besides, I think she's still a wee bit upset with you.)

2.) Get flowers or something for Elizabeth. I know she said she forgives you for trying to kill her, but it's good to be on the safe side.

3.) Avoid the Wraith until further notice.

4.) You will see Dr. Heightmeyer. No arguments.

5.) I'd like to see you back for a check-up in two days. But feel free to call me any time, day or night, if you have any worrisome symptoms. You can be infuriating at times, but you don't have to suffer in silence, son.


End file.
